May 6, 2011

What's left unspoken

When one space in life seems to be coming to a close, we often don't see the end result. Especially, when we're in the thick of it. Often, that door closes to give way to a new beginning, new life. Sometimes, you just can't see the forest for the trees until the dust has settled and you can look back and have that "ah-ha!" moment. If God gave us all of the answers up front, we would have no reason to seek Him. If we were to see ahead of time what was to come, we may not even have the capability to process everything all at once. Sensory overload! Abort!

The other day, after what started off as a seemingly meaningless search for some scribble paper, I came across an old notebook that I had kept to collect both random and important thoughts, while I was living in NYC. As I flipped through the pages for a clean writing space, I discovered something I had completely forgotten about up until this point. The last few pages held an outpouring of my heart as I had begun to realize that my time in New York was coming to an end...

"Walking down a lonely street,
Lots of people around you,
But no space in-between,
you and the faces around you,
that seem so empty...
But I look up...and see...
The beauty in the ashes."

and another...

"I feel the end of something and the start of something new,
Came here with a dream and watched it fall apart.
Now back where I started and where does that leave me?
Broken and alone, feels like I'll never get home.
Your dream became your prison.
Now "trapped" in a place you're not sure you even want to leave.
Bound by a phantom of what you wanted things to be...

But hold on and don't let go,
'Cause I'm not bound and I'm not broken,
And the very thing that's left unspoken..."
(That's all I had for that one, I had stopped because the tears had started to flow)

...As I read through the disheartened words, I began to feel something stir inside me...and it was bittersweet. I remember where I was the day that I thought to write that. It was a cold and rainy February evening in the city and I was walking home after a long day. I had made it a point to take everything in, sort of burn it into my memory so that I wouldn't forget. As people were passing by, I noticed their expressionless faces, now much more than I had ever before. This blank stare had been the same expression I had held during my tenure in that concrete jungle. New Yorkers call it their "armor"; a sort of defense mechanism to keep out the bad...but in the process, also keeps out the potential good. They say in that city, you can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone...and it's so true. Millions of people everywhere you go, personal space quickly becomes a thing of the past, and yet, still somehow, your heart can feel so alone, lost in a sea of empty faces...

Now 2 years removed and back in my home state of Ohio, I remember what had inspired that beauty in the ashes...walking through the rain...I happened to look up. A magical things happens in the city when it's raining. Especially at night! The clouds descend upon gotham and mix with the lights from the buildings, and suddenly the city is surrounded in a luminescent glow so beautiful, it almost takes your breath away. Couple that with what must have been my daily scripture for the day and there you have it..."beauty in the ashes"...

I smile as I read back through these...because now I know "what was left unspoken". I had no idea what was coming...

that my loneliness would be traded for a Faith family so loving that just keeps on growing...
that I would embark on a marking mission to Haiti...
that I would meet a Sister in Christ who would become the sister I never had, so close that I seriously cannot believe that I didn't even know her 2 years ago...
that I would pick up where an old friendship left off and that we grow even closer than we ever were before...
that my Faith would be challenged and grow in ways I never thought imaginable...
that I would be "saved" from my own prison of doubt, hopelessness, fear, and despair...
that I would discover Spiritualities (God manifested through us) that I still cannot wrap my head around...
that God would show me so many things in my dreams, that when I awake, leave me humbled, awestruck, and thankful...
that I would find the meaning of true "success", that no wordly or materialistic ideal could challenge

I smile because I had forgotten that I had ever felt that way; lonely, hopeless, and scared. I smile because I have joy...a joy so deep, that even the tears of sadness cannot erase.

And I found myself smiling as I read, whispering, "I had no idea what was coming..."

Sometimes, we have to give it all up before God can truly move us, before we can see what lays ahead. I can truly look back now and say that I may have surrendered what at the time was my entire life, but I would have missed out on more blessings than I can fathom or deserve. Even more amazing to me is that there is even more to come! I have most certainly not "arrived" by any means, but I'm definitely not where I was either. This wild ride is not over by any means!

And for everything that has happened the past 2 years...I can't wait to discover, still...what's left unspoken...